Dogbert Explains The Financial Crisis

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When the Auto Manufacturers Go Away

Americans have wondered what it looks like when a giant automobile company goes under. The answer can be found in Detroit at the decaying remains of the Packard Motor Car Company headquarters. In the summer of 1956, the once-mighty Packard Motor Car Company closed its doors. Its decaying headquarters and chief production complex still stand here.

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Least Expensive Cars of 2009

Here is an article from about.com on the Least Expensive Cars of 2009 . I'll show you the top two, and you can go to the article to find out the rest.

Least Expensive Cars of 2009
By Aaron Gold, About.com

1. Nissan Versa 1.6 Sedan, $10,685
Photo © Nissan
The Versa was #6 on last year's list; a new base model, the $10,685 1.6 Sedan, makes the Versa the least-expensive new car sold in the US. At that price, the Versa comes pretty well stripped -- manual transmission, no air conditioning, no stereo, and a smaller engine than other Versas -- but you do get a roomy, well-trimmed car that's built to last and will hold its value. Options are limited; if you want a stereo or power windows you'll have to go for one of the pricier Versas. But even the pricier Versas aren't that pricey -- you can get an automatic Versa 1.8S with a CD player, power windows and locks, A/C and antilock brakes for under $16k.
Related: Nissan Versa 1.8 S test drive

2. Hyundai Accent GS Hatchback, $11,745
Photo © Hyundai
Like the base-model Versa, the base-model Accent is pretty sparse: Six airbags and a long warranty but little else. Unlike the Versa, you can add power windows, mirrors and locks and remote keyless entry to the base model -- though you'll also have to get A/C and an automatic transmission, which brings the price up to $14,745, just $380 less than a comparably-equipped Toyota Yaris. Antilock brakes aren't available on the cheap versions, and the Accent's crash test scores aren't very good. Proof that a cheap price isn't always a good deal.

Related: Hyundai Accent SE test drive

Drafting Guys over 60

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

• Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
• Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
• An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
• If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
• Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
• They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. In the 'New army' now, 'Get down and give me .... er .. One.'
• Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. Also, we won't get in trouble for mistreating prisoners. ..
We won't take any.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

Things You Learn from a Son or a Grandson

Here's a list my sister-in-law sent us that's good for a laugh.

You learn interesting things when you have sons, like...

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tr act of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool,you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Sick Leave

The good-humored boss was compelled to call a delinquent employee into his office.

"It has not escaped my attention," the boss pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed the sports fan. "You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialog with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN: Where's my rifle and helicopter? Vice-President Cheney?

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. Heh! Heh! . . . Did he cross in the 80's? I might have missed it if it was in the 80's.

CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken..........(What is your definition of crossing?).

AL GORE : I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never craŠ#@&& ;^(C%..........reboot.<

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Retirement

Here's a story my sister-in-law sent us.

Since I'm retired, I have to think of things to do..... Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Sheriff the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. We have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

The Silent Debate

Here's a joke about the failure to communicate that must be an old folktale.

The Pope and the Rabbi: the Silent Debate

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, and that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy..

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened?

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and wafer, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every move, and I could not continue.

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had
won.

"I haven't a clue" said the Rabbi. First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here.

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

Bad, But Truthful, News from the Doctor

A friend just sent me this joke. I like it.



A woman, obviously greatly agitated, rushed to see her doctor.



"Doctor, when I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror, my hair was all frazzled, my skin was pasty, and my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out. I looked l ike a corpse! What's wrong with me?"



"Well, I can tell you one thing," the doctor calmly replied. "There's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Forrest Gump Explains Mortgage Backed Securities

Mortgage Backed Securities are like boxes of chocolates.

• Criminals on Wall Street stole a few chocolates from the boxes and replaced them with turds.


• Their criminal buddies at Standard & Poor rated these boxes AAA Investment Grade chocolates.


• These boxes were then sold all over the world to investors.


• Eventually somebody bites into a turd and discovers the crime. Suddenly nobody trusts American chocolates anymore worldwide.


• Hank Paulson now wants the American taxpayers to buy up and hold all these boxes of turd-infested chocolates for $700 billion dollars until the market for turds returns to normal.


• Meanwhile, Hank's buddies, the Wall Street criminals who stole all the good chocolates are not being investigated, arrested, or indicted.

Mama always said: "Sniff the chocolates first, Forrest".

The Tuth about the Cars in the Barn

In case you have received an email about someone in Spain buying property and finding a barn full of valuable cars here's the real story. The cars are real, but the story isn't quite true.

http://www.snopes.com/photos/automobiles/barnfind.asp

A Better Investment Plan

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0. 0 0 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for a recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

Why Can't the U.S. Have Toyota's 40 MPG 4WD Minivian?

Toyota sells a 40 mile-per-gallon, four-wheel-drive hybrid minivan in Japan, and has since 2001, but they’re playing keeps. It seemed that Toyota didn’t think Americans would buy it because it wasn’t a “full-sized” minivan and it didn’t have enough power.

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Son of a Preacher Man

I just got this good joke from a friend.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should

give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he

didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

- a Bible,

- a silver dollar,

- a bottle of whisky, and

- a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old Preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!"

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too."

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

"And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps.

The boy entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher whispered with disgust, "he's gonna run for Congress!"

Who Are Einstein and Picasso?

Einstein dies and goes to heaven.

Saint Peter says, “You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to, to sneak in. Can you prove who you really are?”

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really are Einstein! Welcome to Heaven!”

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials.

Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”

Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.” Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!”

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”

George W looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”

Saint Peter sighs, “Come on in, George.”

The Volt Isn't A Prius. It's Better

I'm Not Sure I Agree with This Story from Digg.com, but it's interesting.

The Chevrolet Volt and Toyota Prius look a lot alike, but they are fundamentally different cars that blaze separate paths toward the inevitable electrification of the automobile. And while the Prius is the world's most-popular hybrid and the poster child for green(er) motoring, the Volt is more technologically advanced.

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New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybridgrape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as :

PINOT MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

High Holidays Synagogue Seating Request Form

As the High Holidays approach a friend emailed this good joke to me. Most of it is applicable to any faith, any congregation - especially the "Talking and No Talking" sections choice.


During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the ... (Check one)
______Talking section
______No talking section


2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (indicate order of interest)
_____Stock market
_____Sports
_____Medicine
_____Congregant’s secret medical tragedies
_____General gossip
_____ Specific gossip (choose)
_____ The Rabbi
_____ The cantor
_____ The cantor's voice
_____ The cantor's wife/husband
_____ The rabbi's wife/husband
_____ Fashion news
_____ What others are wearing
_____ Why they look awful
_____ Your neighbors
_____ Your neighbor’s relatives
_____ President Bush
_____ Sex (Preference:______)
_____ Who’s cheating on/having an affair with whom
_____ Other: ___________________________________


3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
_____ Doctor
_____ Dentist
_____ Nutritionist
_____ Psychiatrist
_____ Child psychiatrist
_____ Mother in law
_____ Podiatrist
_____ Chiropractor
_____ Stockbroker
_____ Accountant
_____ Lawyer
_____ Criminal
_____ Civil
_____ Real estate agent
_____ Architect
_____ Plumber
_____ Buyer (Specify store:_____________)
_____ Sexologist
_____Golf pro (tentative: we're still trying to find a Jewish one)
_____ Other:_____________________________


4. I want to be seated (Indicate order of priority)
_____ On the aisle
_____ Near the exit
_____ Near the window
_____ In Aruba
_____ Near the bathroom
_____ Near my in-laws
_____ As far away from my in-laws as possible
_____ As far away from my ex in-laws as possible
_____ Near the pulpit
_____ Near the Kiddush table
_____ Near single men
_____ Near available women
_____ Near anyone who's available - I'm bisexual or just not particular
_____ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
_____ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
_____ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon (Additional Charge)

5. Orthodox only - I would like a seat where:
_____ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
_____ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
_____ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
_____ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people: (limit of 6: if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation)



Your name; ______________________


Building fund pledge: _______________________

Some Political Humor

A teacher in Jackson, Mississippi asked her 6th grade class how many of them were McCain fans. Not really knowing what a McCain fan was, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he decided to be different… again.

Little Johnny said, ‘Because I’m not a McCain fan.’The teacher said, ‘Why aren’t you a McCain fan?’Johnny said, ‘Because I’m a Democrat.’

The teacher asked why he’s a Democrat.Little Johnny answered, ‘Well, my Mom’s a Democrat and my Dad’s a Democrat, so I’m a Democrat.’

The teacher asks, ‘If your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?’

With a big smile,Little Johnny replied, ‘That would make me a McCain fan.’

I always liked Little Johnny.

Looking for an Honest Lawyer

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

The Moped

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, ' What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'
The doctor replies, ' A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars ! '
' That's a lot of money,' says the old man. ' Why does it cost so much?'
' Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' States the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside ?'
' No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window And looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped !'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer !
He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !
Something whips by him going much faster !

' What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped !
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, He gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph, and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his Mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped Bearing down on him again !

The Ferrari is flat out, And there's nothing he can do !
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably The old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, ' I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?'
The old man whispers, ' Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror '.

The Boasting Boys

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

A New Look for David

Michelangelo's David is returning to Italy . .

After a two year visit to the United States, Michelangelo's David is returning to Italy . . .

His Proud Sponsors were:

A Good Blond Joke

A ventriloquist is onstage, and midway through his performance throws in a series of blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde stands on her chair and shouts, "I've heard just about enough of your blonde jokes! It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize.

To which the blonde interjects, "You stay out of this mister. I'm talking to the little guy."

An Old Preacher Joke - But It's Still Good

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

• The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
• The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
• The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
• The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

• The first worm in alcohol - Dead
• The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
• The third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
• The fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?" Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "So, as long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms." That pretty much ended the service.

Lyrics and Music

Lyrics and Music

Generation Y

I just received this email joke.

The Silent Generation...people born between 1925 and 1945.

The Baby Boomers... people born between 1946 and 1964.

Generation X...people born between 1965 and 1982.

Generation Y... people born between 1983 and 1997.

Why do we call the last group of people Generation Y?

I had no idea until I saw this cartoonist's explanation!

Thanks to the Quebec newspaper Le Soleil and cartoonist Marc Beaudet.

Never Argue with a Woman

This joke came from someone in my wife's book club. Of course!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing anddecides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wifedecides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the womanand says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

''Reading a book,'" she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading''
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start atany moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.''For reading a book,' she replies,'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.''
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says thewoman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.''
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Passing the Collection Plate

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.


This is done by the chip monks.

Red Headed Baby Joke

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed.

"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."


Disclaimer: That picture is not one of our family's several redheaded babies. They're all grown up now, but they were all even cuter than that one.

Computer Gender Joke

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House, for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' Pencil, however, is masculine: 'el lapiz'."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.


If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.

A Great Web Page for Cat People

Now I know where all those funny pictures of cats that people are always sending me come from. It's a web page called icanhascheezburger.com .

Here are some funny cats:

Abbott and Costello on BUYING A COMPUTER

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, andtoo old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on..

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:



COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the comp uter! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers.

What about financial bookkeeping?

You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

How True, How True!

Links to Funny Commercials from around the World

Funny Candy Bar Ad from Norway


Cats Rule in France


A Nissan Ad from France

An Old Age Joke

Some days these kind of jokes aren't so funny.

An elderly man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Bill, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Bill replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bill's wife and asks, "Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?

"Oh no!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Good Link for Very Funny Ads

TBS webcasts some very funny ads from around the world. You can get on their mailing list and receive a funny ad every day. here's today's ad.
Ballroom Blitz Funny Ad

Some Old Jokes

From the original Hollywood Squares and its comics:

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q . According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head , what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

A Weird Ad

Tide has a contest that also allows one to put their own face on the talking stain that was seen in a Tide ad during the Super Bowl tonight. I created one. Now you can too.

"How You Perceive a Situation"

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

Yes," I sighed. "She was my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she has not been sober since."

"My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Therefore, you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

Things to Ponder

Can you cry under water?

nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny
for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

pppppppppppppppppppp

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?
ttttttttttttttttttt

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

What disease did cured ham actually have?

jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake
up like every two hours?

fffffffffffffffffffffff

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

lllllllllllllllllllllllll

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see
you naked anyway.

44444444444444444

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

ppppppppppppppppppppp

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song
about him?
qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane ?

ddddddddddddddddddddd

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

rrrrrrrrrrr

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

lllllllllllllllllllllllll

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

3333333333333333333
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

888888888888888888

Do the "Alphabet song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the
same tune?

777777777777777777
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,
but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your Ass?

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out
the window?

ffffffffffffffffffffffff

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first
place?