High Holidays Synagogue Seating Request Form

As the High Holidays approach a friend emailed this good joke to me. Most of it is applicable to any faith, any congregation - especially the "Talking and No Talking" sections choice.


During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the ... (Check one)
______Talking section
______No talking section


2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (indicate order of interest)
_____Stock market
_____Sports
_____Medicine
_____Congregant’s secret medical tragedies
_____General gossip
_____ Specific gossip (choose)
_____ The Rabbi
_____ The cantor
_____ The cantor's voice
_____ The cantor's wife/husband
_____ The rabbi's wife/husband
_____ Fashion news
_____ What others are wearing
_____ Why they look awful
_____ Your neighbors
_____ Your neighbor’s relatives
_____ President Bush
_____ Sex (Preference:______)
_____ Who’s cheating on/having an affair with whom
_____ Other: ___________________________________


3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
_____ Doctor
_____ Dentist
_____ Nutritionist
_____ Psychiatrist
_____ Child psychiatrist
_____ Mother in law
_____ Podiatrist
_____ Chiropractor
_____ Stockbroker
_____ Accountant
_____ Lawyer
_____ Criminal
_____ Civil
_____ Real estate agent
_____ Architect
_____ Plumber
_____ Buyer (Specify store:_____________)
_____ Sexologist
_____Golf pro (tentative: we're still trying to find a Jewish one)
_____ Other:_____________________________


4. I want to be seated (Indicate order of priority)
_____ On the aisle
_____ Near the exit
_____ Near the window
_____ In Aruba
_____ Near the bathroom
_____ Near my in-laws
_____ As far away from my in-laws as possible
_____ As far away from my ex in-laws as possible
_____ Near the pulpit
_____ Near the Kiddush table
_____ Near single men
_____ Near available women
_____ Near anyone who's available - I'm bisexual or just not particular
_____ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
_____ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
_____ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon (Additional Charge)

5. Orthodox only - I would like a seat where:
_____ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
_____ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
_____ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
_____ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people: (limit of 6: if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation)



Your name; ______________________


Building fund pledge: _______________________