Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Ron Died Suddenly


ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem
to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
 

Monday, February 13, 2012

The Rabbi's Hat

THE RABBI'S HAT



A rabbi was walking down the street when, suddenly, a strong gust of
wind blew his shtreimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his
hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and
farther away.


He just couldn't catch up with it. A young gentile man, witnessing this
event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught
it. The young gentile man handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi
was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man twenty dollars, put his
hand on the man's head and blessed him.


The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing. The
young gentile decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He
bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could. After the races the
young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races
to his father.


"I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man. "I looked at the
racing program and saw a horse by the name of Top Hat was running. The
odds on this horse were 100-to-1. It was the longest shot in the field."


"After saving the rabbi's hat, having received the rabbi's blessing,
gotten the $20, and seeing Top Hat in the fifth race, I thought this was
a message from God. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat. An
amazing thing happened. The horse that was the longest shot and who did
not have the slightest chance to even show, came in first by 5
lengths." "You must have made a fortune," said the father.


"Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better," replied the son. "In the
following race, a horse by the name of Stetson was running. The odds on
the horse were 30 to 1. Stetson being some kind of hat and again
thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my
winnings on this horse."


"What happened?" asked the excited father. "Stetson came in like a
rocket. Now I had $60,000!" "Are you telling me you brought home all
this money?", asked his excited father. "No," said the son.


"I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named
Chateau, which is French for hat. So I decided to bet all the money on
Chateau. But the horse broke down and came in last."


"Hat in French is "Chapeau" not "Chateau" you moron," said the father.
"You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what
horse won the race?"




The son answered, "A long shot from Japan named Yamaka."