Things My Mama Taught Me

My mama taught me about the science of osmosis.
Shut your mouth and eat your supper!

My mama taught me about contortionism.
Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!

My mama taught me about stamina.
You'll sit there 'til every bit of that spinach is gone.

My mama taught me about weather.
It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.

My mama taught me the circle of life.
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

Demon Rum, Bless It!

A fire and brimstone minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great deal of expression he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And finally he said, "And If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

The sermon now complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River?'"