THINGS I KNOW I DIDN’T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL:

THINGS I KNOW I DIDN’T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL:

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there’s smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A Shmate is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
8. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
9. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.
10. WASP’s leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.
11. Always whisper the names of diseases.
12. If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.
13. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
14. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
15. If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
16. Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.