This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Red Headed Baby Joke
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
Disclaimer: That picture is not one of our family's several redheaded babies. They're all grown up now, but they were all even cuter than that one.
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
Disclaimer: That picture is not one of our family's several redheaded babies. They're all grown up now, but they were all even cuter than that one.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Computer Gender Joke
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House, for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' Pencil, however, is masculine: 'el lapiz'."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
A Great Web Page for Cat People
Now I know where all those funny pictures of cats that people are always sending me come from. It's a web page called icanhascheezburger.com .
Here are some funny cats:
Monday, March 03, 2008
Abbott and Costello on BUYING A COMPUTER
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, andtoo old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on..
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the comp uter! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers.
What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
How True, How True!
Friday, February 22, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
An Old Age Joke
Some days these kind of jokes aren't so funny.
An elderly man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Bill, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Bill replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bill's wife and asks, "Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?
"Oh no!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
An elderly man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Bill, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Bill replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bill's wife and asks, "Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?
"Oh no!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Friday, February 08, 2008
Good Link for Very Funny Ads
TBS webcasts some very funny ads from around the world. You can get on their mailing list and receive a funny ad every day. here's today's ad.
Ballroom Blitz Funny Ad
Ballroom Blitz Funny Ad
Some Old Jokes
From the original Hollywood Squares and its comics:
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q . According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head , what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q . According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head , what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
Sunday, February 03, 2008
A Weird Ad
Tide has a contest that also allows one to put their own face on the talking stain that was seen in a Tide ad during the Super Bowl tonight. I created one. Now you can too.
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Friday, February 01, 2008
"How You Perceive a Situation"
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
Yes," I sighed. "She was my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she has not been sober since."
"My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Therefore, you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.
Yes," I sighed. "She was my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she has not been sober since."
"My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Therefore, you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Things to Ponder
Can you cry under water?
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny
for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
pppppppppppppppppppp
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny
for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
pppppppppppppppppppp
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?
ttttttttttttttttttt
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
What disease did cured ham actually have?
jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake
up like every two hours?
fffffffffffffffffffffff
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
ooooooooooooooooooooooo
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
lllllllllllllllllllllllll
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see
you naked anyway.
44444444444444444
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
ppppppppppppppppppppp
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song
about him?
qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane ?
ddddddddddddddddddddd
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
rrrrrrrrrrr
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?
lllllllllllllllllllllllll
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
3333333333333333333
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
888888888888888888
Do the "Alphabet song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the
same tune?
777777777777777777
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,
but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your Ass?
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out
the window?
ffffffffffffffffffffffff
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first
place?
Sunday, August 26, 2007
THINGS I KNOW I DIDN’T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL:
THINGS I KNOW I DIDN’T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL:
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there’s smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A Shmate is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
8. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
9. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.
10. WASP’s leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.
11. Always whisper the names of diseases.
12. If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.
13. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
14. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
15. If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
16. Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there’s smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A Shmate is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
8. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
9. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.
10. WASP’s leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.
11. Always whisper the names of diseases.
12. If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.
13. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
14. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
15. If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
16. Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Blonde Jokes
Brother-in-law Charlie always has some good jokes.
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away." Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?" "No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor . "I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and three blondes were stuck on the escalator for more than four hours.
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. Th e shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like... HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first."
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." "Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing.! ...I'm going to buy it!!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked? "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied........"Two popsicles and some coffee."
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest." "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have a better chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. " I just received a horrible call from my > sister. Her mother died, too."
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away." Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?" "No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor . "I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and three blondes were stuck on the escalator for more than four hours.
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. Th e shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like... HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first."
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." "Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing.! ...I'm going to buy it!!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked? "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied........"Two popsicles and some coffee."
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest." "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have a better chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. " I just received a horrible call from my > sister. Her mother died, too."
Monday, May 28, 2007
Friday, May 18, 2007
Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy
READ SLOWLY
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in
the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the
heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in
the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the
heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Kentucky Derby Food
That was some race this year. We were at a party where we served this dish.
Kentucky Burgoo Recipe
Just the thing for Kentucky Derby parties. This is complicated, and it takes four or more hours to make this, but it’s worth it. This makes over a gallon of burgoo, so invite a lot of your friends.
8 tablespoons olive oil
4 or 5 pounds boneless beef round or chuck, trimmed of excess fat
1 (3 to 4-pound) chicken, cut into pieces
2 onions, quartered
2 bay leaves
Seasoning mixture:
2 1/2 tablespoons paprika
2 tablespoons salt
2 tablespoons garlic powder
1 tablespoon freshly ground black pepper
1 tablespoon onion powder
1 tablespoon cayenne pepper
1 tablespoon dried oregano
1 tablespoon dried thyme
8 tablespoons flour
2 slices country ham and 6 slices bacon, diced
2 teaspoons curry powder
2 tablespoons freshly ground black pepper
Salt to taste
2 cups chopped onions
4 whole cloves garlic, peeled and crushed
3 quarts chicken and beef broth
2 cups medium diced carrots
1 cup medium diced green bell peppers
2 cups canned peeled, seeded and chopped tomatoes
1 pound Idaho potatoes, peeled and diced
1 cup fresh or frozen baby lima beans
2 cups sliced okra, fresh or frozen
1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
2 tablespoons light brown sugar
2 cups Bourbon
2 cups frozen shoe peg corn kernels
1/2 cup finely chopped fresh parsley leaves
In a large heavy pot heat the oil over medium-high heat. Brown the beef and chicken in the oil. Remove from oil (reserve the oil) and place in a large kettle. Add quartered onions, bay leaves and the seasoning mixture. Simmer about 15 minutes per pound until very tender, about two hours, skimming to remove any scum that forms on the surface. When the beef and chicken are cool enough to handle, remove the skin and bones and discard. Chop the meat. Strain the broth from both meats.
While chicken and beef cook make a roux from the reserved oil (measure and make sure there are 8 tablespoons) and the flour. Cook very slowly, stirring constantly until it is a dark brown. The darker the roux the tastier the stew. A good dark roux takes almost an hour, but it adds a great flavor. Stir in the strained broth and cook until thickened.
In a large kettle cook ham and bacon until fat is rendered. Remove ham and bacon. Set aside. To the fat in the pan, add the chopped onions, okra, carrots and bell peppers, and cook stirring, until soft, 4 minutes. Add the chopped garlic, and cook, stirring, for 30 seconds. Add the tomatoes, potatoes, lima beans, Bourbon, curry powder, brown sugar, black pepper, salt and thickened broth (actually it’s a tasty, brown gravy). Bring to a boil. Reduce the heat and simmer, stirring often, until thick and the potatoes are tender, about an hour. Add the corn and cooked beef and chicken and simmer, stirring occasionally, for 20 to 30 minutes. Add the ham, bacon and parsley and stir. Adjust the seasoning.
Remove from the heat and serve hot with hot biscuits.
Kentucky Burgoo Recipe
Just the thing for Kentucky Derby parties. This is complicated, and it takes four or more hours to make this, but it’s worth it. This makes over a gallon of burgoo, so invite a lot of your friends.
8 tablespoons olive oil
4 or 5 pounds boneless beef round or chuck, trimmed of excess fat
1 (3 to 4-pound) chicken, cut into pieces
2 onions, quartered
2 bay leaves
Seasoning mixture:
2 1/2 tablespoons paprika
2 tablespoons salt
2 tablespoons garlic powder
1 tablespoon freshly ground black pepper
1 tablespoon onion powder
1 tablespoon cayenne pepper
1 tablespoon dried oregano
1 tablespoon dried thyme
8 tablespoons flour
2 slices country ham and 6 slices bacon, diced
2 teaspoons curry powder
2 tablespoons freshly ground black pepper
Salt to taste
2 cups chopped onions
4 whole cloves garlic, peeled and crushed
3 quarts chicken and beef broth
2 cups medium diced carrots
1 cup medium diced green bell peppers
2 cups canned peeled, seeded and chopped tomatoes
1 pound Idaho potatoes, peeled and diced
1 cup fresh or frozen baby lima beans
2 cups sliced okra, fresh or frozen
1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
2 tablespoons light brown sugar
2 cups Bourbon
2 cups frozen shoe peg corn kernels
1/2 cup finely chopped fresh parsley leaves
In a large heavy pot heat the oil over medium-high heat. Brown the beef and chicken in the oil. Remove from oil (reserve the oil) and place in a large kettle. Add quartered onions, bay leaves and the seasoning mixture. Simmer about 15 minutes per pound until very tender, about two hours, skimming to remove any scum that forms on the surface. When the beef and chicken are cool enough to handle, remove the skin and bones and discard. Chop the meat. Strain the broth from both meats.
While chicken and beef cook make a roux from the reserved oil (measure and make sure there are 8 tablespoons) and the flour. Cook very slowly, stirring constantly until it is a dark brown. The darker the roux the tastier the stew. A good dark roux takes almost an hour, but it adds a great flavor. Stir in the strained broth and cook until thickened.
In a large kettle cook ham and bacon until fat is rendered. Remove ham and bacon. Set aside. To the fat in the pan, add the chopped onions, okra, carrots and bell peppers, and cook stirring, until soft, 4 minutes. Add the chopped garlic, and cook, stirring, for 30 seconds. Add the tomatoes, potatoes, lima beans, Bourbon, curry powder, brown sugar, black pepper, salt and thickened broth (actually it’s a tasty, brown gravy). Bring to a boil. Reduce the heat and simmer, stirring often, until thick and the potatoes are tender, about an hour. Add the corn and cooked beef and chicken and simmer, stirring occasionally, for 20 to 30 minutes. Add the ham, bacon and parsley and stir. Adjust the seasoning.
Remove from the heat and serve hot with hot biscuits.
Friday, May 04, 2007
New Bush Bumper stickers.......
1/20/09: End of an Error
Bush. Like a Rock, Only Dumber.
That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
Bush's Legacy: No Child Left A Dime
America : One Nation, Under Surveillance
They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
Jail to the Chief!
No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ?
We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
We're Making Enemies Faster than We Can Kill Them
Is It Vietnam Yet?
Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either.
The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
One Nation under Clod
Bush Never Exhaled
At Least Nixon Resigned
Bush. Like a Rock, Only Dumber.
That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
Bush's Legacy: No Child Left A Dime
America : One Nation, Under Surveillance
They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
Jail to the Chief!
No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ?
We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
We're Making Enemies Faster than We Can Kill Them
Is It Vietnam Yet?
Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either.
The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
One Nation under Clod
Bush Never Exhaled
At Least Nixon Resigned
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Some Good Car Jokes and Some Kentucky Jokes
An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone.
"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful! There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".
"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"
The recent purchase of Volvo by Ford has prompted Ford to change its name to reflect its new Scandinavian product. The new name will be Fjord.
My wife is from Kentucky, so I like to tell Kentucky jokes.
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Two Kentuckians, on their way to Kings Island, finally get aroundCincinnati and see a sign, "Kings Island Left". They turn around and go home.
A Kentucky man is driving through Indiana and decides to stop at a roadside produce stand. He goes up to the sales clerk and says, "I'll have some taters and tomaters." The sales clerk says, "From the sound of your accent I can tell you’re not from around here." The Kentucky man gets angry and leaves. He drives a little farther until he sees another roadside stand. He goes up to the sales clerk and says, "I'll have some taters and tomaters." The sales clerk says, "You’re not from around here are you?" The Kentucky man is a bit angry but responds, "How did you know, because of my accent?" The sales clerk replies, "Hell no you idiot, this is a hardware store."
Q: How can you tell that the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?
A: If it was invented in another state, it would have been called a teethbrush.
Q: What do you get when 32 Eastern Kentuckians meet for a get together?
A: A full set of teeth.
Q: Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to Kentucky?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.
"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful! There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".
"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"
The recent purchase of Volvo by Ford has prompted Ford to change its name to reflect its new Scandinavian product. The new name will be Fjord.
My wife is from Kentucky, so I like to tell Kentucky jokes.
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Two Kentuckians, on their way to Kings Island, finally get aroundCincinnati and see a sign, "Kings Island Left". They turn around and go home.
A Kentucky man is driving through Indiana and decides to stop at a roadside produce stand. He goes up to the sales clerk and says, "I'll have some taters and tomaters." The sales clerk says, "From the sound of your accent I can tell you’re not from around here." The Kentucky man gets angry and leaves. He drives a little farther until he sees another roadside stand. He goes up to the sales clerk and says, "I'll have some taters and tomaters." The sales clerk says, "You’re not from around here are you?" The Kentucky man is a bit angry but responds, "How did you know, because of my accent?" The sales clerk replies, "Hell no you idiot, this is a hardware store."
Q: How can you tell that the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?
A: If it was invented in another state, it would have been called a teethbrush.
Q: What do you get when 32 Eastern Kentuckians meet for a get together?
A: A full set of teeth.
Q: Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to Kentucky?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Pretty Good Jokes
This week I've been driving around listening to Plenty of Pretty Good Jokes
, a set of four compact discs from Garrison Keillor, full of rapid-fire short jokes, riddles, and funny stories. A Prairie Home Companion's annual Joke Show is the basis of this collection. There are lots of Lena and Ole jokes, and lots of jokes leftover from the Clinton Administration. What could be better than riding around in your car listening to hilarious jokes! And my car is a Toyota Prius. Save the environment, save money on gas and laugh all at the same time.
Here's some jokes:
Once there was a Norwegian who took his wife with him wherever he went so that he wouldn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Ole and Sven went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish, and Sven says, "The way I figger it, Ole, each of them fish cost us $400. Well. At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more of em than we did.
So Lena was competing in the Sons of Norway Swim Meet and she came in in last place in the hundred-yard breast stroke and she said to the judges "Oh say, I don't vant to complain, but I tink those other two girls were using der arms"!
They took a poll of American women, and they asked, "Would you have an affair with Bill Clinton?" and 70% said ,"NEVER AGAIN!!"
So ---- Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton went to Emerald City to see the Wizard of Oz. And Dan Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the wizard for a brain." And Newt Gingrich says, "I am going to ask him for a heart." And Clinton says, "I wonder where Dorothy is?"
"Hey Sven, how many Swedes does it take to grease a combine? " "I don't know, Ole." " Only two, if you run them through real slow. "
"Mama, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" " No, it's because you're NINETEEN. "
So what's the difference between a Norwegian and a canoe? Well, a canoe will sometimes tip.
Say, I went and bought Lena a piano for her birthday and then about a week later I traded it in for a clarinet, because you know, with a clarinet, you can't sing.
So Ole got a car phone and on his way home on the freeway, he calls up Lena and he says, "Oh, Lena, I'm calling you from the freeway on my new car phone," and Lena says, "Be careful because on the radio they say that some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway," and Ole says, "One nut ---- heck, there are hundreds of them!"
So Ole was hiking in the mountains of Norway and he slips on a wet rock and he falls over the edge of a five-hundred-foot cliff, and he falls twenty feet and he grabs hold of a bush that's growing out of a rock. And there he is, he's hanging looking down at this deep fjord down below him -- certain death -- and his hands start to perspire and he starts to slip on this bush and he yells out, "Is anybody up there?" And he heard a deep voice rings out in the fjord, "I'm here, Ole. It's the Lord, Ole. Have faith. Let go of that bush and I will save you." Ole looked down, and he looked up, and he says, "Is anyone else up there?"
"So, Ole --- I see you got a sign up that says, "Boat For Sale." But you don't own a boat, Ole. All you got is your old John Deere tractor and your combine." " Yup, and they're boat for sale."
"Hello? Funeral home? Yes? It's Ole. My wife Lena died. " "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. We'll send someone right away to pick up the body. Where do you live?" " At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." " Can you spell that for me?" " How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der? "
So Sven and Ole go to the beach, and after a couple hours Sven says, "This ain't no fun. How come the girls aren't friendly to me?" "Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a potato in your swim trunks that would help." ---So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, "I tried what you told me with the potato, but it doesn't help." "No, Sven --- you're supposed to put the potato in the front."
In the middle of the show, a guy stands up and yells at the ventriloquist, "HEY! You've been making jokes about us Polish people enough! Cut it out!" And the ventriloquist says, "Take it easy. They're only jokes!" And the guy says, "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to that little guy sitting on your knee!"
And I had no wrecks while listening to these cds.
, a set of four compact discs from Garrison Keillor, full of rapid-fire short jokes, riddles, and funny stories. A Prairie Home Companion's annual Joke Show is the basis of this collection. There are lots of Lena and Ole jokes, and lots of jokes leftover from the Clinton Administration. What could be better than riding around in your car listening to hilarious jokes! And my car is a Toyota Prius. Save the environment, save money on gas and laugh all at the same time.Here's some jokes:
Once there was a Norwegian who took his wife with him wherever he went so that he wouldn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Ole and Sven went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish, and Sven says, "The way I figger it, Ole, each of them fish cost us $400. Well. At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more of em than we did.
So Lena was competing in the Sons of Norway Swim Meet and she came in in last place in the hundred-yard breast stroke and she said to the judges "Oh say, I don't vant to complain, but I tink those other two girls were using der arms"!
They took a poll of American women, and they asked, "Would you have an affair with Bill Clinton?" and 70% said ,"NEVER AGAIN!!"
So ---- Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton went to Emerald City to see the Wizard of Oz. And Dan Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the wizard for a brain." And Newt Gingrich says, "I am going to ask him for a heart." And Clinton says, "I wonder where Dorothy is?"
"Hey Sven, how many Swedes does it take to grease a combine? " "I don't know, Ole." " Only two, if you run them through real slow. "
"Mama, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" " No, it's because you're NINETEEN. "
So what's the difference between a Norwegian and a canoe? Well, a canoe will sometimes tip.
Say, I went and bought Lena a piano for her birthday and then about a week later I traded it in for a clarinet, because you know, with a clarinet, you can't sing.
So Ole got a car phone and on his way home on the freeway, he calls up Lena and he says, "Oh, Lena, I'm calling you from the freeway on my new car phone," and Lena says, "Be careful because on the radio they say that some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway," and Ole says, "One nut ---- heck, there are hundreds of them!"
So Ole was hiking in the mountains of Norway and he slips on a wet rock and he falls over the edge of a five-hundred-foot cliff, and he falls twenty feet and he grabs hold of a bush that's growing out of a rock. And there he is, he's hanging looking down at this deep fjord down below him -- certain death -- and his hands start to perspire and he starts to slip on this bush and he yells out, "Is anybody up there?" And he heard a deep voice rings out in the fjord, "I'm here, Ole. It's the Lord, Ole. Have faith. Let go of that bush and I will save you." Ole looked down, and he looked up, and he says, "Is anyone else up there?"
"So, Ole --- I see you got a sign up that says, "Boat For Sale." But you don't own a boat, Ole. All you got is your old John Deere tractor and your combine." " Yup, and they're boat for sale."
"Hello? Funeral home? Yes? It's Ole. My wife Lena died. " "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. We'll send someone right away to pick up the body. Where do you live?" " At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." " Can you spell that for me?" " How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der? "
So Sven and Ole go to the beach, and after a couple hours Sven says, "This ain't no fun. How come the girls aren't friendly to me?" "Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a potato in your swim trunks that would help." ---So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, "I tried what you told me with the potato, but it doesn't help." "No, Sven --- you're supposed to put the potato in the front."
In the middle of the show, a guy stands up and yells at the ventriloquist, "HEY! You've been making jokes about us Polish people enough! Cut it out!" And the ventriloquist says, "Take it easy. They're only jokes!" And the guy says, "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to that little guy sitting on your knee!"
And I had no wrecks while listening to these cds.
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