Things My Mama Taught Me

My mama taught me about the science of osmosis.
Shut your mouth and eat your supper!

My mama taught me about contortionism.
Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!

My mama taught me about stamina.
You'll sit there 'til every bit of that spinach is gone.

My mama taught me about weather.
It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.

My mama taught me the circle of life.
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

Demon Rum, Bless It!

A fire and brimstone minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great deal of expression he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And finally he said, "And If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

The sermon now complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River?'"

Problem Solving

Here's a joke I got from my son-in-law.

A lonely old man had a problem. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vinnie,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging
up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I
know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the
old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

The Mom Song

The Mom Song

Chrysler Dealer Closing List

This is the full list of closings for 5/14/09.

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What to Eat

Can't eat pork,

Swine flu...


Can't eat chicken,

Bird flu.


Can't eat Beef,

Mad cow....

Can't eat eggs,

Salmonella.

Can't eat fish,

Heavy metal poisons in their waters.

Can't eat fruits and veggies,

Insecticides and herbicides.


Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!




I believe that leaves Chocolate and ice cream!!!!!!!!

Remember - - - 'STRESSED'

Spelled backwards! is

'DESSERTS'





...

And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


*******************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

*****************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.. so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....


***************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair..
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

***************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

********************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started..

INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'

Swiss Spaghetti Harvest

I found this on YouTube. It's too funny not to share.

Two Jokes for February

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

"Yes," said Tony, who was a bit of a chauvinist. "I've bought her a belt and a bag."

Surprised Jim said, "That was very kind of you. I hope she appreciated it."

Tony smiled and replied, 'So do I...
“...and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'”



Over breakfast, a woman said to her husband, “I’ll bet you don’t know what day this is.”

“Of course I do,” he answered, as if offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., a dozen red roses arrived at the house. At 1:00 p.m., a two-pound box of chocolates was delivered. The designer dress arrived at 3:00.

When her husband came home, the woman ran to meet him, threw her arms around his neck and said, “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”

The Atheist in the Woods

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge
towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident."

"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke.

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Dave Barry on Colonoscopies

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything h e said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!

'I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative.

I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough .At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.

Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.

If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'And the best one of all....
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

My Favorite Funny Email of the Week

An Important Message About Growing Old ....




Well CRAP!!

Now I forgot what I was gonna tell ya!

Dogbert Explains The Financial Crisis

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When the Auto Manufacturers Go Away

Americans have wondered what it looks like when a giant automobile company goes under. The answer can be found in Detroit at the decaying remains of the Packard Motor Car Company headquarters. In the summer of 1956, the once-mighty Packard Motor Car Company closed its doors. Its decaying headquarters and chief production complex still stand here.

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Least Expensive Cars of 2009

Here is an article from about.com on the Least Expensive Cars of 2009 . I'll show you the top two, and you can go to the article to find out the rest.

Least Expensive Cars of 2009
By Aaron Gold, About.com

1. Nissan Versa 1.6 Sedan, $10,685
Photo © Nissan
The Versa was #6 on last year's list; a new base model, the $10,685 1.6 Sedan, makes the Versa the least-expensive new car sold in the US. At that price, the Versa comes pretty well stripped -- manual transmission, no air conditioning, no stereo, and a smaller engine than other Versas -- but you do get a roomy, well-trimmed car that's built to last and will hold its value. Options are limited; if you want a stereo or power windows you'll have to go for one of the pricier Versas. But even the pricier Versas aren't that pricey -- you can get an automatic Versa 1.8S with a CD player, power windows and locks, A/C and antilock brakes for under $16k.
Related: Nissan Versa 1.8 S test drive

2. Hyundai Accent GS Hatchback, $11,745
Photo © Hyundai
Like the base-model Versa, the base-model Accent is pretty sparse: Six airbags and a long warranty but little else. Unlike the Versa, you can add power windows, mirrors and locks and remote keyless entry to the base model -- though you'll also have to get A/C and an automatic transmission, which brings the price up to $14,745, just $380 less than a comparably-equipped Toyota Yaris. Antilock brakes aren't available on the cheap versions, and the Accent's crash test scores aren't very good. Proof that a cheap price isn't always a good deal.

Related: Hyundai Accent SE test drive

Drafting Guys over 60

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

• Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
• Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
• An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
• If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
• Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
• They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. In the 'New army' now, 'Get down and give me .... er .. One.'
• Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. Also, we won't get in trouble for mistreating prisoners. ..
We won't take any.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

Things You Learn from a Son or a Grandson

Here's a list my sister-in-law sent us that's good for a laugh.

You learn interesting things when you have sons, like...

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tr act of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool,you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Sick Leave

The good-humored boss was compelled to call a delinquent employee into his office.

"It has not escaped my attention," the boss pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed the sports fan. "You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"