Dogbert Explains The Financial Crisis

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When the Auto Manufacturers Go Away

Americans have wondered what it looks like when a giant automobile company goes under. The answer can be found in Detroit at the decaying remains of the Packard Motor Car Company headquarters. In the summer of 1956, the once-mighty Packard Motor Car Company closed its doors. Its decaying headquarters and chief production complex still stand here.

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Least Expensive Cars of 2009

Here is an article from about.com on the Least Expensive Cars of 2009 . I'll show you the top two, and you can go to the article to find out the rest.

Least Expensive Cars of 2009
By Aaron Gold, About.com

1. Nissan Versa 1.6 Sedan, $10,685
Photo © Nissan
The Versa was #6 on last year's list; a new base model, the $10,685 1.6 Sedan, makes the Versa the least-expensive new car sold in the US. At that price, the Versa comes pretty well stripped -- manual transmission, no air conditioning, no stereo, and a smaller engine than other Versas -- but you do get a roomy, well-trimmed car that's built to last and will hold its value. Options are limited; if you want a stereo or power windows you'll have to go for one of the pricier Versas. But even the pricier Versas aren't that pricey -- you can get an automatic Versa 1.8S with a CD player, power windows and locks, A/C and antilock brakes for under $16k.
Related: Nissan Versa 1.8 S test drive

2. Hyundai Accent GS Hatchback, $11,745
Photo © Hyundai
Like the base-model Versa, the base-model Accent is pretty sparse: Six airbags and a long warranty but little else. Unlike the Versa, you can add power windows, mirrors and locks and remote keyless entry to the base model -- though you'll also have to get A/C and an automatic transmission, which brings the price up to $14,745, just $380 less than a comparably-equipped Toyota Yaris. Antilock brakes aren't available on the cheap versions, and the Accent's crash test scores aren't very good. Proof that a cheap price isn't always a good deal.

Related: Hyundai Accent SE test drive

Drafting Guys over 60

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

• Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
• Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
• An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
• If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
• Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
• They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. In the 'New army' now, 'Get down and give me .... er .. One.'
• Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. Also, we won't get in trouble for mistreating prisoners. ..
We won't take any.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

Things You Learn from a Son or a Grandson

Here's a list my sister-in-law sent us that's good for a laugh.

You learn interesting things when you have sons, like...

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tr act of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool,you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Sick Leave

The good-humored boss was compelled to call a delinquent employee into his office.

"It has not escaped my attention," the boss pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed the sports fan. "You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialog with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN: Where's my rifle and helicopter? Vice-President Cheney?

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. Heh! Heh! . . . Did he cross in the 80's? I might have missed it if it was in the 80's.

CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken..........(What is your definition of crossing?).

AL GORE : I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never craŠ#@&& ;^(C%..........reboot.<

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Retirement

Here's a story my sister-in-law sent us.

Since I'm retired, I have to think of things to do..... Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Sheriff the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. We have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

The Silent Debate

Here's a joke about the failure to communicate that must be an old folktale.

The Pope and the Rabbi: the Silent Debate

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, and that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy..

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened?

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and wafer, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every move, and I could not continue.

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had
won.

"I haven't a clue" said the Rabbi. First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here.

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

Bad, But Truthful, News from the Doctor

A friend just sent me this joke. I like it.



A woman, obviously greatly agitated, rushed to see her doctor.



"Doctor, when I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror, my hair was all frazzled, my skin was pasty, and my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out. I looked l ike a corpse! What's wrong with me?"



"Well, I can tell you one thing," the doctor calmly replied. "There's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Forrest Gump Explains Mortgage Backed Securities

Mortgage Backed Securities are like boxes of chocolates.

• Criminals on Wall Street stole a few chocolates from the boxes and replaced them with turds.


• Their criminal buddies at Standard & Poor rated these boxes AAA Investment Grade chocolates.


• These boxes were then sold all over the world to investors.


• Eventually somebody bites into a turd and discovers the crime. Suddenly nobody trusts American chocolates anymore worldwide.


• Hank Paulson now wants the American taxpayers to buy up and hold all these boxes of turd-infested chocolates for $700 billion dollars until the market for turds returns to normal.


• Meanwhile, Hank's buddies, the Wall Street criminals who stole all the good chocolates are not being investigated, arrested, or indicted.

Mama always said: "Sniff the chocolates first, Forrest".

The Tuth about the Cars in the Barn

In case you have received an email about someone in Spain buying property and finding a barn full of valuable cars here's the real story. The cars are real, but the story isn't quite true.

http://www.snopes.com/photos/automobiles/barnfind.asp

A Better Investment Plan

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0. 0 0 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for a recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

Why Can't the U.S. Have Toyota's 40 MPG 4WD Minivian?

Toyota sells a 40 mile-per-gallon, four-wheel-drive hybrid minivan in Japan, and has since 2001, but they’re playing keeps. It seemed that Toyota didn’t think Americans would buy it because it wasn’t a “full-sized” minivan and it didn’t have enough power.

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Son of a Preacher Man

I just got this good joke from a friend.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should

give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he

didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

- a Bible,

- a silver dollar,

- a bottle of whisky, and

- a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old Preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!"

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too."

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

"And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps.

The boy entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher whispered with disgust, "he's gonna run for Congress!"

Who Are Einstein and Picasso?

Einstein dies and goes to heaven.

Saint Peter says, “You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to, to sneak in. Can you prove who you really are?”

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really are Einstein! Welcome to Heaven!”

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials.

Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”

Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.” Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!”

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”

George W looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”

Saint Peter sighs, “Come on in, George.”

The Volt Isn't A Prius. It's Better

I'm Not Sure I Agree with This Story from Digg.com, but it's interesting.

The Chevrolet Volt and Toyota Prius look a lot alike, but they are fundamentally different cars that blaze separate paths toward the inevitable electrification of the automobile. And while the Prius is the world's most-popular hybrid and the poster child for green(er) motoring, the Volt is more technologically advanced.

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New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybridgrape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as :

PINOT MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

High Holidays Synagogue Seating Request Form

As the High Holidays approach a friend emailed this good joke to me. Most of it is applicable to any faith, any congregation - especially the "Talking and No Talking" sections choice.


During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the ... (Check one)
______Talking section
______No talking section


2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (indicate order of interest)
_____Stock market
_____Sports
_____Medicine
_____Congregant’s secret medical tragedies
_____General gossip
_____ Specific gossip (choose)
_____ The Rabbi
_____ The cantor
_____ The cantor's voice
_____ The cantor's wife/husband
_____ The rabbi's wife/husband
_____ Fashion news
_____ What others are wearing
_____ Why they look awful
_____ Your neighbors
_____ Your neighbor’s relatives
_____ President Bush
_____ Sex (Preference:______)
_____ Who’s cheating on/having an affair with whom
_____ Other: ___________________________________


3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
_____ Doctor
_____ Dentist
_____ Nutritionist
_____ Psychiatrist
_____ Child psychiatrist
_____ Mother in law
_____ Podiatrist
_____ Chiropractor
_____ Stockbroker
_____ Accountant
_____ Lawyer
_____ Criminal
_____ Civil
_____ Real estate agent
_____ Architect
_____ Plumber
_____ Buyer (Specify store:_____________)
_____ Sexologist
_____Golf pro (tentative: we're still trying to find a Jewish one)
_____ Other:_____________________________


4. I want to be seated (Indicate order of priority)
_____ On the aisle
_____ Near the exit
_____ Near the window
_____ In Aruba
_____ Near the bathroom
_____ Near my in-laws
_____ As far away from my in-laws as possible
_____ As far away from my ex in-laws as possible
_____ Near the pulpit
_____ Near the Kiddush table
_____ Near single men
_____ Near available women
_____ Near anyone who's available - I'm bisexual or just not particular
_____ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
_____ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
_____ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon (Additional Charge)

5. Orthodox only - I would like a seat where:
_____ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
_____ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
_____ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
_____ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people: (limit of 6: if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation)



Your name; ______________________


Building fund pledge: _______________________

Some Political Humor

A teacher in Jackson, Mississippi asked her 6th grade class how many of them were McCain fans. Not really knowing what a McCain fan was, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he decided to be different… again.

Little Johnny said, ‘Because I’m not a McCain fan.’The teacher said, ‘Why aren’t you a McCain fan?’Johnny said, ‘Because I’m a Democrat.’

The teacher asked why he’s a Democrat.Little Johnny answered, ‘Well, my Mom’s a Democrat and my Dad’s a Democrat, so I’m a Democrat.’

The teacher asks, ‘If your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?’

With a big smile,Little Johnny replied, ‘That would make me a McCain fan.’

I always liked Little Johnny.