THINGS I KNOW I DIDN’T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL:

THINGS I KNOW I DIDN’T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL:

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there’s smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A Shmate is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
8. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
9. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.
10. WASP’s leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.
11. Always whisper the names of diseases.
12. If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.
13. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
14. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
15. If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
16. Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.

Blonde Jokes

Brother-in-law Charlie always has some good jokes.

Two Blondes With Hammers...
Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away." Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?" "No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor . "I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and three blondes were stuck on the escalator for more than four hours.

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. Th e shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like... HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first."

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." "Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing.! ...I'm going to buy it!!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked? "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied........"Two popsicles and some coffee."

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest." "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have a better chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. " I just received a horrible call from my > sister. Her mother died, too."

My Collection

I am a big fan of the Curious George books. Here is part of my collection.

Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy

READ SLOWLY

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in
the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the
heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Kentucky Derby Food

That was some race this year. We were at a party where we served this dish.

Kentucky Burgoo Recipe

Just the thing for Kentucky Derby parties. This is complicated, and it takes four or more hours to make this, but it’s worth it. This makes over a gallon of burgoo, so invite a lot of your friends.

8 tablespoons olive oil
4 or 5 pounds boneless beef round or chuck, trimmed of excess fat
1 (3 to 4-pound) chicken, cut into pieces
2 onions, quartered
2 bay leaves
Seasoning mixture:
2 1/2 tablespoons paprika
2 tablespoons salt
2 tablespoons garlic powder
1 tablespoon freshly ground black pepper
1 tablespoon onion powder
1 tablespoon cayenne pepper
1 tablespoon dried oregano
1 tablespoon dried thyme

8 tablespoons flour
2 slices country ham and 6 slices bacon, diced
2 teaspoons curry powder
2 tablespoons freshly ground black pepper
Salt to taste
2 cups chopped onions
4 whole cloves garlic, peeled and crushed
3 quarts chicken and beef broth
2 cups medium diced carrots
1 cup medium diced green bell peppers
2 cups canned peeled, seeded and chopped tomatoes
1 pound Idaho potatoes, peeled and diced
1 cup fresh or frozen baby lima beans
2 cups sliced okra, fresh or frozen
1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
2 tablespoons light brown sugar
2 cups Bourbon
2 cups frozen shoe peg corn kernels
1/2 cup finely chopped fresh parsley leaves

In a large heavy pot heat the oil over medium-high heat. Brown the beef and chicken in the oil. Remove from oil (reserve the oil) and place in a large kettle. Add quartered onions, bay leaves and the seasoning mixture. Simmer about 15 minutes per pound until very tender, about two hours, skimming to remove any scum that forms on the surface. When the beef and chicken are cool enough to handle, remove the skin and bones and discard. Chop the meat. Strain the broth from both meats.

While chicken and beef cook make a roux from the reserved oil (measure and make sure there are 8 tablespoons) and the flour. Cook very slowly, stirring constantly until it is a dark brown. The darker the roux the tastier the stew. A good dark roux takes almost an hour, but it adds a great flavor. Stir in the strained broth and cook until thickened.

In a large kettle cook ham and bacon until fat is rendered. Remove ham and bacon. Set aside. To the fat in the pan, add the chopped onions, okra, carrots and bell peppers, and cook stirring, until soft, 4 minutes. Add the chopped garlic, and cook, stirring, for 30 seconds. Add the tomatoes, potatoes, lima beans, Bourbon, curry powder, brown sugar, black pepper, salt and thickened broth (actually it’s a tasty, brown gravy). Bring to a boil. Reduce the heat and simmer, stirring often, until thick and the potatoes are tender, about an hour. Add the corn and cooked beef and chicken and simmer, stirring occasionally, for 20 to 30 minutes. Add the ham, bacon and parsley and stir. Adjust the seasoning.

Remove from the heat and serve hot with hot biscuits.

New Bush Bumper stickers.......

1/20/09: End of an Error

Bush. Like a Rock, Only Dumber.

That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First

If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

Bush's Legacy: No Child Left A Dime

America : One Nation, Under Surveillance

They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

Jail to the Chief!

No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ?

We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

We're Making Enemies Faster than We Can Kill Them

Is It Vietnam Yet?

Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either.

The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

One Nation under Clod

Bush Never Exhaled

At Least Nixon Resigned

Some Good Car Jokes and Some Kentucky Jokes

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone.
"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful! There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".
"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"


The recent purchase of Volvo by Ford has prompted Ford to change its name to reflect its new Scandinavian product. The new name will be Fjord.

My wife is from Kentucky, so I like to tell Kentucky jokes.

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Two Kentuckians, on their way to Kings Island, finally get aroundCincinnati and see a sign, "Kings Island Left". They turn around and go home.

A Kentucky man is driving through Indiana and decides to stop at a roadside produce stand. He goes up to the sales clerk and says, "I'll have some taters and tomaters." The sales clerk says, "From the sound of your accent I can tell you’re not from around here." The Kentucky man gets angry and leaves. He drives a little farther until he sees another roadside stand. He goes up to the sales clerk and says, "I'll have some taters and tomaters." The sales clerk says, "You’re not from around here are you?" The Kentucky man is a bit angry but responds, "How did you know, because of my accent?" The sales clerk replies, "Hell no you idiot, this is a hardware store."

Q: How can you tell that the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?
A: If it was invented in another state, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Q: What do you get when 32 Eastern Kentuckians meet for a get together?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to Kentucky?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.

Pretty Good Jokes

This week I've been driving around listening to Plenty of Pretty Good Jokes, a set of four compact discs from Garrison Keillor, full of rapid-fire short jokes, riddles, and funny stories. A Prairie Home Companion's annual Joke Show is the basis of this collection. There are lots of Lena and Ole jokes, and lots of jokes leftover from the Clinton Administration. What could be better than riding around in your car listening to hilarious jokes! And my car is a Toyota Prius. Save the environment, save money on gas and laugh all at the same time.

Here's some jokes:

Once there was a Norwegian who took his wife with him wherever he went so that he wouldn't have to kiss her goodbye.

Ole and Sven went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish, and Sven says, "The way I figger it, Ole, each of them fish cost us $400. Well. At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more of em than we did.

So Lena was competing in the Sons of Norway Swim Meet and she came in in last place in the hundred-yard breast stroke and she said to the judges "Oh say, I don't vant to complain, but I tink those other two girls were using der arms"!

They took a poll of American women, and they asked, "Would you have an affair with Bill Clinton?" and 70% said ,"NEVER AGAIN!!"

So ---- Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton went to Emerald City to see the Wizard of Oz. And Dan Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the wizard for a brain." And Newt Gingrich says, "I am going to ask him for a heart." And Clinton says, "I wonder where Dorothy is?"

"Hey Sven, how many Swedes does it take to grease a combine? " "I don't know, Ole." " Only two, if you run them through real slow. "

"Mama, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" " No, it's because you're NINETEEN. "

So what's the difference between a Norwegian and a canoe? Well, a canoe will sometimes tip.

Say, I went and bought Lena a piano for her birthday and then about a week later I traded it in for a clarinet, because you know, with a clarinet, you can't sing.

So Ole got a car phone and on his way home on the freeway, he calls up Lena and he says, "Oh, Lena, I'm calling you from the freeway on my new car phone," and Lena says, "Be careful because on the radio they say that some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway," and Ole says, "One nut ---- heck, there are hundreds of them!"

So Ole was hiking in the mountains of Norway and he slips on a wet rock and he falls over the edge of a five-hundred-foot cliff, and he falls twenty feet and he grabs hold of a bush that's growing out of a rock. And there he is, he's hanging looking down at this deep fjord down below him -- certain death -- and his hands start to perspire and he starts to slip on this bush and he yells out, "Is anybody up there?" And he heard a deep voice rings out in the fjord, "I'm here, Ole. It's the Lord, Ole. Have faith. Let go of that bush and I will save you." Ole looked down, and he looked up, and he says, "Is anyone else up there?"

"So, Ole --- I see you got a sign up that says, "Boat For Sale." But you don't own a boat, Ole. All you got is your old John Deere tractor and your combine." " Yup, and they're boat for sale."

"Hello? Funeral home? Yes? It's Ole. My wife Lena died. " "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. We'll send someone right away to pick up the body. Where do you live?" " At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." " Can you spell that for me?" " How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der? "

So Sven and Ole go to the beach, and after a couple hours Sven says, "This ain't no fun. How come the girls aren't friendly to me?" "Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a potato in your swim trunks that would help." ---So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, "I tried what you told me with the potato, but it doesn't help." "No, Sven --- you're supposed to put the potato in the front."

In the middle of the show, a guy stands up and yells at the ventriloquist, "HEY! You've been making jokes about us Polish people enough! Cut it out!" And the ventriloquist says, "Take it easy. They're only jokes!" And the guy says, "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to that little guy sitting on your knee!"

And I had no wrecks while listening to these cds.

I Am a Car Guy

The blog will feature my comments on the automobile. The "Car Guys" with Tom and Ray Magliozzi is my favorite radio show and favorite newspaper column. Several years ago I won the "Puzzler", but I wasn't home so I didn't get to be on the show. The column last Sunday in the Washington Post listed the top ten ugly new cars. Here's the list. I mostly agree with Tom and Ray.
10. BMW 5 Series - I'm neutral on this one. I don't think it's too bad, but when you see it coming you can't tell what it's thinking. This car has funny looking headlights.
9. Chrysler 300 - This is a fake 80's Volvo brick.
8. Dodge Magnum Station Wagon - It's too long and too low.
7. Chevy Avalanche - This car is trying to be a Swiss Army knife. Lots of everything. The Swiss Army knife is much better looking.
6. Subaru Baja - I don't mind this car. The early version was pretty bad, but this year is ok.
5. Chrysler PT Cruiser - The car you love to hate. It's wildly popular, there are Pt Cruiser clubs. Why?
4. Honda Element - An ugly box with wheels. It's designed to be different, and it is.
3. Hummer H2 - This is for all those politicians and their buddies who never served a day in the military, but want to feel like they did.
2. Scion XB - See # 4, only maybe a little bit uglier.
1. Pontiac - This is actually quite hideous. What were they thinking? Why do people make ugly things?