Looking for an Honest Lawyer

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

The Moped

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, ' What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'
The doctor replies, ' A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars ! '
' That's a lot of money,' says the old man. ' Why does it cost so much?'
' Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' States the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside ?'
' No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window And looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped !'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer !
He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !
Something whips by him going much faster !

' What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped !
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, He gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph, and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his Mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped Bearing down on him again !

The Ferrari is flat out, And there's nothing he can do !
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably The old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, ' I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?'
The old man whispers, ' Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror '.

The Boasting Boys

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

A New Look for David

Michelangelo's David is returning to Italy . .

After a two year visit to the United States, Michelangelo's David is returning to Italy . . .

His Proud Sponsors were:

A Good Blond Joke

A ventriloquist is onstage, and midway through his performance throws in a series of blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde stands on her chair and shouts, "I've heard just about enough of your blonde jokes! It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize.

To which the blonde interjects, "You stay out of this mister. I'm talking to the little guy."

An Old Preacher Joke - But It's Still Good

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

• The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
• The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
• The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
• The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

• The first worm in alcohol - Dead
• The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
• The third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
• The fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?" Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "So, as long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms." That pretty much ended the service.

Lyrics and Music

Lyrics and Music

Generation Y

I just received this email joke.

The Silent Generation...people born between 1925 and 1945.

The Baby Boomers... people born between 1946 and 1964.

Generation X...people born between 1965 and 1982.

Generation Y... people born between 1983 and 1997.

Why do we call the last group of people Generation Y?

I had no idea until I saw this cartoonist's explanation!

Thanks to the Quebec newspaper Le Soleil and cartoonist Marc Beaudet.

Never Argue with a Woman

This joke came from someone in my wife's book club. Of course!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing anddecides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wifedecides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the womanand says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

''Reading a book,'" she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading''
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start atany moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.''For reading a book,' she replies,'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.''
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says thewoman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.''
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Passing the Collection Plate

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.


This is done by the chip monks.

Red Headed Baby Joke

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed.

"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."


Disclaimer: That picture is not one of our family's several redheaded babies. They're all grown up now, but they were all even cuter than that one.

Computer Gender Joke

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House, for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' Pencil, however, is masculine: 'el lapiz'."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.


If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.

A Great Web Page for Cat People

Now I know where all those funny pictures of cats that people are always sending me come from. It's a web page called icanhascheezburger.com .

Here are some funny cats:

Abbott and Costello on BUYING A COMPUTER

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, andtoo old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on..

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:



COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the comp uter! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers.

What about financial bookkeeping?

You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

How True, How True!

Links to Funny Commercials from around the World

Funny Candy Bar Ad from Norway


Cats Rule in France


A Nissan Ad from France

An Old Age Joke

Some days these kind of jokes aren't so funny.

An elderly man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Bill, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Bill replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bill's wife and asks, "Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?

"Oh no!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Good Link for Very Funny Ads

TBS webcasts some very funny ads from around the world. You can get on their mailing list and receive a funny ad every day. here's today's ad.
Ballroom Blitz Funny Ad

Some Old Jokes

From the original Hollywood Squares and its comics:

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q . According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head , what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

A Weird Ad

Tide has a contest that also allows one to put their own face on the talking stain that was seen in a Tide ad during the Super Bowl tonight. I created one. Now you can too.

"How You Perceive a Situation"

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

Yes," I sighed. "She was my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she has not been sober since."

"My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Therefore, you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.